I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
”
— Winston Churchill
The Porcine Party is a Lovian joke party. The official leader of the party is the prize pig His Imperial Highness Frederick I, but due to the Emperor's lack of interest in politics the role is filled by his human servant Joshua Katz, who is the party's only member of the Congress.
The party was founded in 2011 by Joshua Katz, an 97-year old man who had cared for 42 generations of the Imperial family, which was descended from the first pig ever to lay hooves on Lovian soil. Mr. Katz became convinced of the need for an injection of humour into Lovian politics and hence founded the party.
Policies[]
Pigs[]
“
All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others.
”
— Comrade Napoleon
His Imperial Highness will be given the title of Head of State. The King will lose his title, but as an honour, will be allowed to clean the Emperor's pigpen.
All pigs will be given the vote; this will end a century of discrimination.
The Prime Minister will extend a formal apology to our porcine brothers and a sum of $10 million dollars will be handed over, payable in cornmeal.
All negative references to pigs will be made illegal. Works such as Animal Farm shall be banned.
Pigs will fly.
Economy[]
“
The hog that ploughs not, nor obeys thy call, Lives on the labours of this lord of all.
”
— Alexander Pope
A progressive system of taxation designed to redistribute wealth to the undertrodden porcines.
Creation of a 99 cent coin - this will save on change.
All tax will be fed into a lottery, allowing everyone to have a chance of winning something back.
Society[]
“
You have nothing to lose but your sties. You have the world to win. Porcines of the world, unite!
”
— Karl Porx
All terrorists will be made to shave their beards off, as they look scary.
The problems of prison overcrowding and increased crime will be solved easily by issuing a compulsory contract on McDonalds to do all prison catering. Convervative estimates suggest a 50% reduction in crime rates within 2 years with 0% re-offender figures.
Rather than identity cards, everyone will carry small mirrors which will be far more effective at helping people to identify themselves.
There should be a national debate on the subject of why there is only one female Smurf.
All food shall be clearly labeled “Recommended for Oral Use”.
All fast food shall be clearly labeled “May contain traces of real food”.
Anyone caught breaking the law will be made to mend it (this is a genuinely good idea, by the way).
Politics[]
“
The chicken is involved but the pig is committed.
”
— Anon.
After a term in Congress, all politicians will be obliged to spend a year in a mental asylum. This will help keep the public safe as well as allowing research into the mental issues which propel these poor people.
All politicians will be obliged to undergo an initiation ritual, which will involve running three times around Noble City in formal attire while members of the public throw slime at them, before giving a speech. This will help induce humility (or perhaps not...)
All problems with the Constitution will be solved by going for a run every morning, as everyone knows a brisk jog is good for the constitution.
Government Whips will only be used if a politician has been really bad. Minor offences should receive the political slipper.
Youth[]
“
Young pigs grunt as old pigs grunted before them.
”
— Danish proverb
As corporal punishment is banned in Lovian schools, we suggest misbehaving teenagers be glued together; as the saying goes, 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.'
Actually we don’t have any policies on youth. We think they’re probably better off without politicians interfering with them.
Sport[]
We propose a revival of The Annual Witchducking Championships, which was abandoned 400 years ago due to contestants drinking too much.
In order to solve the Oceana-Lovia divide, we propose an origami procedure whereby the map will be folded five times so Oceana overlaps every state. This will then be worn as an emblem by Party members.
Alternatively, we will complicate the division by adding a square root, to establish our credentials as politicians.
Education[]
“
Never try to teach a pig to sing. You waste your time and you annoy the pig.
”
— Robert A. Heinlein
Compulsory education will be scrapped, as it discriminates against stupid people.
All departments of Blackburn University will be scrapped and all academics will focus their intelligence on finding a method for human-pig communication.
